Sorour grew up in Iran in a very conservative environment and had contact with boys for the first time at the age of 16 – but in Germany. In the third article in our “Culture of Love” series, she talks about her early experiences when it comes to dating, prejudices and the desire for sexual self-determination. Dating and love can be pleasant experiences but also quite exhausting. Nice because you can meet a person who inspires you, with whom you can trade closeness and intimacy. Exhausting, because we live in a society that is moving ahead with sexist and racist stereotypes and norms. What experiences do people with migration and refugee background in Germany have when it comes to dating and love?
Two people meet each other and out of it emerge two (cultural) identities with different expectations, socialization and experiences, also different desires, freedoms and sometimes languages. This can lead to misunderstandings, prejudices, new insights and similarities.
20-year-old Sorour grew up with her mother and sister in Iran in a very conservative society. A society that divides social life by gender. She only went to school with girls and had no contact with male peers in her family. It was only when she came to Germany at the age of 16 that she met boys. Adjusting to a new life in a new society on a new continent was a challenge. She is now very conscious of what she wants, of her sexual identity and needs. In Germany, she can live all this out more freely. However, she still repeatedly encounters prejudices and limitations that have to do with stereotypical images of an Iranian woman.
“It wasn't appreciated that a girl would have not only girl friends, but also boy friends''
In Iran, I did not have the least opportunity to develop any romantic relationships. The social structure is strictly conservative and actually forbids any friendly, romantic and sexual contact between men and women. It was not even appropriate to see that a girl has not only girl friends but also boy friends. The only legitimate contact between a woman and a man, if they are not related, is in wedlock. Friends of mine secretly had boyfriends, but I would have been too cowardly for that. And because we had no real contact with our relatives, I did not have any contact with men or boys. Therefore, I had no opportunity to have a secret relationship.
The social system is pretty restrictive when it comes to love and sexuality. It was only in Germany that I met male friends, including the first male Iranian friend. Back then, I only fancied women. The only thing I experienced was my first kiss. I had that with a girl, on my lips, and it was very nice.
“I was just fed up with this image”To me, marriage in Iranian and Muslim culture is a pet peeve. Not only since the Iranian and Muslim culture consider it as the only legitimate framework for living out one's own sexuality, but also for the image of women this partnership conveys. This conservative image of partnership has always had negative connotations for me. I pictured it like getting up in the morning, preparing breakfast, waking up my husband and then getting the kids ready. They go to school, we have bad sex. I may not have a job. Thus, I am unhappy and dependent on my husband.
However, I was always sure that I didn't want that. I was just fed up with this picture, and I definitely don't want to have bad sex! It was also clear to me that living out my sexuality doesn't have to have anything to do with love for another person. I want to have sex without commitment.
In Germany, society is sexually much more open and self-determined. I thought it suits me much more just to be this free woman who decides her own life and does not let others rule her. Moreover, I wanted to enjoy these new freedoms. I hadn't had any sexual experiences before, and I longed to try these new things. Here, for example, I noticed that I like boys too. I also know that there isn't just one image of Iranian and Muslim culture. It's just very ubiquitous, and it is something I want to get rid of.
“As for me, I'm pretty much interested in other cultures, but I'm only ever wrapped up in my own culture”However, I don't find it that easy to use these new freedoms here. I don't know how to meet people to live these new experiences, as I don't want to use dating apps. Nonetheless, I met a German boy through a texting group. I wasn't romantically interested in him at all. But he was the only boy around me, and I wanted to try kissing him. He then wanted to introduce me directly to his family. I got the feeling that he was only doing it because I'm Iranian. Like I'm that poor woman getting in trouble for kissing a boy. I don't think he would have done that if I were German.
It is not the only time I've felt like coming face to face with an image of an Iranian woman that I don't match. I once dated a Syrian man. It seemed like he was only dating me because I'm Iranian, so I'm a loyal wife and good mother. He wanted to get married, but not to a European woman, since they would always cheat. I would have loved to tell him that I also know Iranian women who cheat on their husbands. However, I just thought that's exactly what I don't want. I might as well have done that in Iran. Thus, I haven't seen him again.
“He said I would come across as well-behaved, like a “model refugee” who only cares about school”But I still yearned for sexual experiences. I then met an Afghan who grew up in Iran through a friend of a friend's. Then I just told him that I would like to have sex with him to try it out. At first, he was surprised. He said I would come across as well-behaved, like a “model refugee” who only cares about school. Just not the self-assured Iranian woman who asks for sex. It was the first time that I could have such experiences in my mother tongue. Before that, I only spoke German with the guys I met.
“I am quite interested in other cultures and feel confident enough to date in German”As a matter of fact, I am quite interested in other cultures and feel confident enough to date in German. But I always find myself entangled in my own culture. It seems to me that Germans have no interest in dating a foreigner like me. As if they seemed willing to avoid stress and therefore held back. Whereby they project the image of the unfree and unsure Iranian woman onto me. This is something which annoys me a to a large degree.
Sorour's desire when it comes to dating and love is that women allow themselves to indulge in more. She has the feeling that many women are afraid of insult and stigma because of their culture, prejudice, or fear of living out their sexuality freely. It is particularly important to her that women also allow each other these freedoms and do not judge each other for their sexual conduct.
We publish the “Culture of Love” series every two weeks. Would you also like to be part of our series and tell us about your dating experiences? Get in touch at team@kohero-magazin.de or via DM on Instagram or Facebook. The portraits in the “Culture of Love” series are illustrated by Maxi Spalek.
This article was first published in German and translated into English by Manal Ismail.
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